New life.... New blog

I use to blog.... a lot.  I loved it.  I have always loved to write but somewhere in the last year of my life I got away from it.  In fact, I got away from a lot of things.

When I started this blog, I was married, pregnant, had a house of my own and thought I was happy  and that I had it all together.  Little did I know that God had a few tricks up his sleeve, and was going to show me what living and happiness REALLY was.

Now- that is not to say that every day was easy.  In fact, there were many many days at first where it wasn't, but every day I got up and put one foot in front of the other and got through the day.  And now I can say I have come a LONG way, I have found true happiness, and this life I never imagined or planned for has been better than I could have wished for.  I have realized that happiness starts from within, and once you embrace that small piece, the rest just falls in place.

Rewind to eleven months ago----
I left my (ex)husband in December.  In an instant I became a 30 year old single mom to an infant living at her parent's house (I know, I know- every girl's dream).  But it was in the days that followed that I witnessed the greatest acts of friendship and love that I could ever have imagined.  Friends- old and new, and family- near and far, made sure I was okay... Day.in.and.day.out.

And in time, I was okay. Now, almost a year later I am more than okay.

Do I have it all together all the time?  No.  But do I have to? No.

Some days I think I have this single mom thing down, and then Charlee throws her food at me, tells me "no" more times than I can count, and tries to ride the dog like he's a horse- and I realize I don't have it down at all.

But that's okay...

Every day is a new chaos.

Every day is a new challenge.

But every day is also amazing despite the chaos and challenges.

I can truly say I am more content and insanely happy at this current moment in life than I have EVER been.  I have the most amazing people surrounding me- some old, some new, and some that have returned and been reconciled.

In these last few months I have realized several things:
I have realized sometimes God will give you struggles and hardships and force you out of situations, so that He can provide you with the better life He planned for you.

I have realized a kind word or gesture can go a long way.

I have realized life is short.,  Love those that love you, and move on from the ones who don't.

I have realized life won't always be easy.  But it will always be worth it.

I have realized being a single mom at 30 and living at your parents house can somehow show you the path to happiest days of your life.

I have realized finding the good in every situation is the fundamental key to a happy life.

I have realized I am SO incredibly thankful for this last year.  For every moment- good and bad, because it made the most complete and healthy version of me I have ever been.

I have realized how to smile.  A genuine, pure smile- full of joy, full of content, full of life.  I hope everyone experiences that at some point in their life.

So.... that's why I decided to start a new blog.  It's a new life, a new blog, a new adventure- an adventure I am excited about.  I have amazing friends, the best family, a job I love, a God that never fails me, and a wonderful daughter that has shown me what life is really all about.

She has taught me to love deeper than I ever knew possible.  She has taught me a single toothless grin can change your whole day. She has taught me that cartoons and fruit snacks can dry up tears faster than anything.

She has also taught me that putting together fisher price toys can push your patience to the limits, and that changing clothes and putting toys away might make me the meanest mommy in the world.

And one of the key things she has taught me is that if she is whining.... then I'll just be WINE-ing!

Love,
Page

Repairing my Vision

It is funny how life can sometimes throw you curveballs.  These unexpected life-changing moments that will forever leave a stamp on where you have been and set a new path for where you are going.  It was six months ago today that I was thrown that curveball.

I lost my vision.  

In a moment's time, I went from being able to see out of both of my big blue eyes to seeing out of one.  I have had two surgeries to repair what they can of my left eye, and am awaiting a third surgery this summer.  This should repair as much as eyesight as possible-hopefully it will be around 80%.

But it was during that moment, that one second that changed my life- I lost not only my vision in the physical sense, but more importantly- in the emotional sense.  

I lost my vision.  In life- as a mother - as a friend - as a person.  I went from someone who thought they had life all figured out to someone who all of a sudden was standing there watching everything slip away.  Not only could I not see the physical things in life anymore, but I also couldn't see where my life was headed.  I had lost my vision.

It has been six months since that night and although only doctors can fix my eyesight- it is up to me to fix my vision.  My vision on life.

As every teeny bopper, teenager, and Jersey Shore and Drake wannabe in America says- YOLO!!  Although this phrase gets on the very last nerve I have, and I literally would rather scrape my nails on a chalkboard than use it- there is a lot of truth to it.  You do only live ONCE.  And it is up to me how I live it.  

I want to be happy.  I want to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night knowing that I am truly happy.  That is not to say there won't be a bad day or two thrown in the mix, but happiness is not verb- it is not an action or something that takes place- it is an adjective- a feeling.  It is a state of being.  By putting a smile on my face and being thankful for everything that I do have as opposed to sulking about what I don't.  I am choosing to be happy.  

I want to make a difference.  A difference in the eyes of my daughter, the eyes of my friends and family, and in the eyes of myself.  I want to look in the mirror and be satisfied with the person that I am, so I try and live each day treating others how I want to be treated.  I try to offer a kind word, a listening ear, a hug, a voice of reason to anyone that needs it.  Everyone you meet is going through something, and if they aren't they either just overcame something or they are about to encounter it.  No one gets through life unscathed, and it is not those moments that define you- it is the way you handle it, the way you bounce back, and the way you refocus your vision.

I want to have fun.  Life is about the smiles, the excitement, the laughter, the fun.  I want to take each day and make it enjoyable, and to find a reason to enjoy each and every day.  I want to spend more time and energy doing all the things I love with friends and family than sitting there wondering what could have been.

It took a little bit of time, but I have spent months repairing my vision.  Trying to figure out my place in life and where I should go.   I have realized there are alot of things in life you can't control so I need to turn my focus to the things I can.  And what I can control is my outlook and my attitude.  So I am choosing to be happy, to make a difference, and to have fun in life.  That is my vision.

I may not have my eyesight in my left eye- but I probably see more clear now than I ever have.  I don't need my eyesight to have vision. 

So here's my vision:  You are given one life.  Go out and LIVE IT.  Take in the small moments, breath in the fresh air, enjoy long walks, engage in great conversation, ride that roller coaster you were always scared of, try new and different foods, travel.  Do anything.  But do not let life pass you by.  Enjoy the ride because you never know when the ride will stop. Live each and every day to the fullest.

What is your vision??

YOLO- 

Page :)

What I've learned....

So.... it's been a while since my last update.  
A little over 6 months to be exact- but the person who wrote that last blog post and the person that is sitting here writing today are two completely.different.people.

The reason for my blogging hiatus??  Well, life decided to throw me one (or several) hell of a curveball(s)- and quite honestly the thought of putting pen to paper during that time and writing about what my life consisted of would have driven me to tears (or straight to a large bottle of wine).  So I decided to just grab the bottle of wine, some good girlfriends, and have some ME time. 

Many of you know my story- some of you don't- and sometime soon I will find the courage to write about it. For now though, here is what I will say. I have grown up and learned more about myself and about life in a short amount of time than I ever imagined, and I wanted to share my takeaways from a time of overcoming obstacles, defeating the odds, and realizing that the one thing to understand about life is- it goes on.

1) Hold on tight to the good things in life-  There will be times when life will kick you straight in the gut, and it will hurt like hell.  But don't waste time trying to figure out the how and why something happened.  Sitting in the "why me" stage in life is a dark, dark place.  Focus on the good things you have, grasp them tightly and look for the light.  There is one at the end of every tunnel.

2) Appreciate the learning experience- There is nothing more beautiful than a smile that has struggled through the tears.  Don't live life with regrets- even during the times that cause you pain.  Smile because you learned from it and had the strength to rise above it.  At the end of the day it is not what you have been through that defines who you are- it's how you got through it.  These learning experiences set you up for the person you will be tomorrow.

3) If it is something you can't control, let it go- Positive things happen in your life when you choose to distance yourself from the negative things.  Stop holding onto what hurts, and make room for what feels right.  Don't let something out of your control interfere with all the things you can control.  Happiness is a mode of travel, not a destination- and that is something you are in total control of.

4) Their is no past or future- Your time to live is NOW.  Stop dwelling on your past and worrying about your future.  This allows you to suffocate your ability to thrive in the moment- the present- the now.

5) There is a lot more good in the world than bad-  It is during times of trial that you see the good in the world.  The outpouring of love of others is often times what gets you through a hard day.  Whether it be friends, family, acquaintances, or a total stranger, sometimes it is the smallest thing that can take a bad day to a good day.  Live life in the way that you see the good and be the good.  It makes the world a better place. 

6) There is no rule book-  You can research as much as you want, but there is no rule book in this thing called life.  It will be full of twists, turns, bumps, and bruises and there is no way to predict what the next piece to the puzzle will be.  Live for the moment, throw away the rules, and just be you.  You don't need the rules.

7)  With God on my side, I am able-  I am able to get through anything as long as I put my faith, my heart, my entire being into the hands of God.  There is much to this life that you won't understand- the hows, the whys, the reasons things happen.  Find faith in Him and you won't need those answers.  You will live with the assurance that God is all you need, and in Him you will be okay, no matter where the road leads.

I don't write this to tell anyone that this is the key to overcoming obstacles, but this is how I have overcome mine.  And I am still overcoming them- every.single.day!  Some days are good, some are bad, but at the end of the day, I can lay my head on my pillow with a smile on my face.  I have my friends, my family, my amazing daughter.  And I have my strength, my courage, and my will to live a happy life.  And that is all that I need.

Lots of love-
Page

It's been a while...

All of a sudden I turn around, and four months have gone by... FOUR! And then I realize that I haven't written a blog in a while.... you know, with all the extra time I have on my hands these days!!

Between the pile of laundry sitting on my kitchen table, the empty refrigerator that so desperately needs me to go grocery shopping, the overflowing trash cans, the inch of dust on the living room table, the unmade bed, and the mound of toys and teething rings laying around, the blogging just had to be put on hold for a while!

Do you ever feel like this???

Because I do every..........single.........day!!!!

The life of a mom is hard- whether you work or stay home- IT.IS.HARD!!!  This by far has been the most amazing, breathtaking, wonderful experience of my life- but is has also been the hardest.  

The sleepless nights, the crying, the dirty diapers, the amount of junk you have to take with you everywhere you go- and did I mention the sleepless nights?!?!  It's hard work.

But it is the BEST job I have ever had.  

This is my sweet little nugget- it is amazing how fast these last four months have gone by!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!  This year I am so incredibly thankful for the blessing of motherhood... Charlee is truly our little gift from God :)

Hugs!

-Page

Charlee's Birth Story

The night before Charlee was born I knew she was coming- and soon.  In hindsight, I think I knew two days before and should have gone to the hospital that Tuesday, but I decided to just hang tight until our sonogram on Thursday, July 25.  I had been in and out of labor and delivery more times than I could count, and the last thing I wanted was to go in with the hopes of her arrival just to be sent home.  However, I was showing every sign of preeclampsia.  First, I woke up on Tuesday and could NOT get my wedding ring off.  After 20 minutes of tears and pulling on my finger, I got the ring loose but I had a very purple finger (my first sign- severe swelling in the hands).  The next morning I had major pain under my right rib- not just the kicking and typical pains that come with pregnancy... I am telling you- there was NO relief (my second sign).  I thought about asking Chris to take me into the hospital but again, my stubbornness said no.  I was not dilated much, and my contractions were very light, so I decided to just wait it out.  

Wednesday night Chris and I hung out with the dogs and watched movies, ate popcorn, and spent one last night as just me and Chris only.  I kept telling him I knew it was the last night, but he just kind of laughed it off thinking I was getting my hopes up.  When I woke up the next morning, I KNEW it was the day.  My face was HUGE- more swollen that I had ever seen it, (my third sign) and I knew that meant my suspicions of preeclampisa were more than likely true.  So I showered, straightened my hair, put on make up and had Chris take pics of me before we left the house so I could always remember the day Charlee entered the world.

On our way to the hospital- 38 weeks, 2 days

We got to the hospital, I got on the sonogram table and they said Charlee looked great.  Chris and I were so excited!  Then they came in to take my blood pressure and it was 170/110.... we knew then we weren't leaving.  They sent me immediately to Labor and Delivery and by the time I got downstairs my BP was 172/128.  My OB came in, examined me, confirmed I had preeclampsia, and decided we didn't have time to induce and let me go through labor, so we were having a C-section.  Luckily, I had prepared myself that this was a possibility because of my blood pressure, so I was okay with it.  Although I would have preferred to deliver a more natural way, I was going to do whatever it took to make sure Charlee and I were healthy. 

They took me into a Labor room where they would start me on some medicine, and get us prepared for delivery.  Much to my surprise, when the L&D nurse walked into the room, I recognized her from school, and we realized we actually went to middle school together and had numerous friends in common.  I was so thankful for April- she was the most fantastic nurse and it was comforting to know the person that was going to assist in delivering our little girl.  So April, THANK YOU.  You were amazing, and Chris and I are so thankful for you and your care that day.

Once I was in the room, they started me on Magnesium.  This was to prevent a seizure due to the high blood pressure.  I would receive it prior to the C-section and for 24 hours after delivery.  I also received some antibiotics and then the epidural.  I was not a fan of that!!  I guess when you don't actually experience true labor contractions, that is the worst part!  And then we were ready to meet our girl.

At that point, everything started moving in double-time.  I was wheeled down the hall, they numbed my legs and stomach, had me lay my arms out straight, Chris came in, held my hand, and next thing we knew, at 5:20 pm on July 25, 2013, we heard the sound of our little girl crying.  Our little miracle.  Our blessing from God.  Our creation- was finally here.  All 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 19 3/4 inches long of her was finally here.  What I felt in that moment is hard to even put into words.  They laid her in my arms and Chris and I looked at her in amazement.  How could we, two imperfect people, make something SO perfect?  In that moment, my heart doubled in size.  I went from having one love of my life to having two loves of my life.  Chris and Charlee complete my world and give me more than I could have ever wished for myself.

There were about 20+ people waiting to meet baby Charlee so one by one everyone came in to meet her... it was so amazing the love and support we had there to welcome our girl, and watching all of our closest friends and family hold her and love on her brought me such joy.  Everything was perfect!!

And then things took a turn.

About half way through our friends coming in, my blood pressure started to go up.  It got to 232/115 at one point, and that is when my pain level also went up.  After Morphine, Tylenol through an IV, and Percocet, I was seeing no relief.  It was getting worse.  By this time, I was upstairs in my room, and I knew something was not right.  I kept telling my night nurse, Angie, that I was in severe pain.  No matter what they were giving me, the pain was excruciating.  Then around 3:00 am after hours of pain and no sleep, the nurse and Chris were standing over me discussing a new pain medicine when I felt something pop in my stomach.  It took me no less than one second to rip my hospital gown up and look down at my stomach to see what looked like was a softball sitting in my pelvis.  My stomach was like a rock, and it was huge.  I could tell in Chris' eyes that something was wrong.  The nurse actually had the nerve to say "I have never seen this before.  Can I please take a picture with my phone?"  Ummm... NO you can't!!  But what you can do is call my doctor and find out what is going on.  

After what seemed like forever, and me really starting to panic, we were told that I had a hematoma, which is a localized collection of blood outside of my blood vessels.  Because of my blood pressure, my body was having a hard time clotting, so as a result, my body formed a 10 inch by 6 inch hematoma across my lower abdomen, and they were going to have to go back in to drain the blood.  So here we go... back into surgery- at 4:30 am.  They went in through my C-section incision so the good news was that I would still only have one scar.  My doctor was great about comforting me and Chris, but this time Chris had to sit outside the operating room and wait.  Luckily my family was on their way so he did not have to wait alone.

The surgery went well, and they were able to get most of the hematoma, however once I was in the recovery room my blood pressure once again became an issue, this time dropping to 54/30 and I was no longer responding.  This went on for 10 minutes.  I was not responding and Chris was sitting there. Watching.  And freaking out.  I don't remember much, but I do remember when I came to, I lifted my head and could see Chris sitting in a chair with his head in his hands, and me asking "what happened?"  Chris came over and told me what happened, and I spoke to the doctor who told me they removed 4 liters of fluids from my body.  Four liters!  I had no idea the scary situation that I had been in- I had no idea how bad my body really took these two surgeries, and I had no idea how serious blood pressure really could be.  

16 staples later...

I am SO thankful for an amazing God that was watching over me that night/morning.  I am thankful for my amazing husband that has shown endless support and still continues to help me through my recovery.  I am thankful for my amazing friends and family and all of the love they have shown us during this time.  My parents and mother-in-law for running errands, bringing food, and helping us with anything and everything.  And to the wonderful doctors and staff for delivering our precious, perfect little angel, and for the wonderful care they showed me throughout two surgeries.  

To say I had a hard pregnancy would really be an understatement, but I would do it all over again for our little girl.  I am amazed at how much your heart can grow when you welcome a child, and how much your marriage can grow in that instant as well.  I love every second of being a mom.  EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND.  I may be biased because she is mine, but I think she is perfect.  Her blonde-ish brown hair, her blue eyes, her dad's pouty bottom lip- she is the perfect combination of me and Chris and I could not be more thankful.

I appreciate all of you sharing in our journey these last 10 months.  Your love and support helped us through pregnancy, 12 weeks of bedrest, several nights in the hospital, and two surgeries.  So thank you all.  The power of prayer is a wonderful thing, and we know we couldn't have made it through this journey without you all.  I look forward to you sharing in our new journey- our life as a family of three!!

We love you all!!

-Page, Chris and Charlee